If you're thinking about a trip that will take you outside the borders of good ole 'Merica, then you had better read this first- or else you might wind up severely disappointed. I don't want you thinking the rest of the world out there is some fascinating place, full of things you can't find here. I've traveled all over the place, so I can tell you first-hand that it's a crazy world out there. So here are 10 reasons you should stay put.

10. America is #1 when it comes to architecture.

I mean, just look at this stuff! Look at all the time they wasted carving those intricate, life-like figures into the building when they could have easily made 10 or 20 rectangular buildings of the same size, in the same amount of time, for way cheaper.

This was in Rome. Those Italians must really have a lot of time on their hands because there were buildings like this everywhere! We wouldn't waste our time with such nonsense here in America- that would take too much passion and creativity and you'd have to pay way too many people to get 'er done

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9.  There are safety hazards everywhere.

Look at how dangerous this bridge looks, for example. One railing? You can see why I had to gingerly walk over the turquoise waters below. There is definitely no water that color in America- they must be dumping chemicals into the rivers of Cebu.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. No place offers you more freedom than America. 

In the Land of the Free, we basically get to do whatever we want! Sure- we may be forced to endure unrealistic societal pressures sometimes, and you might get sued for just about anything, but at least we can pick daisies, judge people, and scare chickens if we want to- unlike in Hong Kong. 



7. We're way more responsible with alcohol than other countries.

I bought this bottle of fine Nicaraguan rum in Roatán for the equivalent of $9 USD. It would have cost three times that at the liquor store here, and almost that much for one mixed drink at the bar. If it were that affordable here, we would be drunk way too often!

Additionally, the drinking age in pretty much every other country in the world is 18. In America it's 21. We were first to the moon- so we're obviously smarter than all the other countries, and there is clearly a reason why we made the drinking age 21. It's because your taste buds change every seven years. 21 is a multiple of seven, and since we are the leaders of the world in basically every category including science, our brilliant scientists have determined that that's when it tastes best! It would simply be wasted on the youth. So enough already about being able to kill in wars before you're old enough to drink.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. People from other countries hate Americans, and America. 

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It's true what you've heard. We're hated everywhere. Good luck making friends when you go abroad. Look at the expression on this girl's face. She can't stand me. 

Look- she wrote Finland on me! You might as well say you're from Canada if you're crazy enough to leave our beloved country because once everyone figures out you're from America, they're probably going to stop talking to you. I could tell you that she was one of hundreds of great people that I've met while traveling abroad and that we still keep in touch to this day, but that would just be a silly fib. 

Disclaimer: don't use the "Hey friends, I'm from Canada!" line until you know where all your peers are from. A Canadian can sniff out this disguise like a bloodhound for some reason- probably because they have a funny way of pronouncing just about everything- and we don't. They'll call your bluff in a heartbeat, and then you're even worse-off than if you had just admitted you were American to begin with. Oh, and be easy on the ketchup- dead give away. 







5. History, Shmistory.

Why would you care about the age-old Wat Pho Buddhist Temple in Bangkok if you're not Buddhist and you're not from Thailand? Just ask the Burmese- they cared so little about it that they destroyed most of it in the 1700s. So what if it's unique and beautiful and you've never seen anything like it- we've got our own history! Haven't you ever seen the back of a $2 bill?

 

4. A beach is a beach.

Let's be real. What does this beach got that we don't already have in the good ole' USofA? Don't be distracted by the towering, vegetative, other-worldly cliffs in the backdrop. This beach on the island of Koh Phi Phi comes with palm trees, crystal clear waters and fine-sand beaches, sure, but that's nothing you couldn't find in the great state of Florida! You want cliffs? Go to California! So what if the water's freezing- at least you don't have to fly to the other side of the world! But, The Beach was filmed here, you say? Okay- but where was it released? USA! USA! USA!

 

3. Cultural Barriers

A cultural barrier is something you should definitely be wary of. Not only do people of other countries practice religions that are different than ours, they also take part in all these strange nationalistic ceremonies where you probably wouldn't fit in- I highly doubt you have one of these outfits hanging in your closet. Am I right? 

 

2. The Language Barrier

Don't even pretend like you could read that if it weren't for the translation. I'd bet you still can't pronounce it right. If this doesn't convince you not to travel, I don't know what will! I still don't know how they got us to smile in this photo.

 

1. The street food abroad will kill you.

If you're too stubborn to stay home then you're probably too stubborn to avoid the street food. I don't care how good it looks... and tastes. Is it worth your life?! All of these friends in the video below died. Stay home- where it's safe!

There you have it- 10 good reasons you should never venture out to see the majestic, eye-opening, indescribably different lands beyond our borders. If you can think of any other reasons why someone should definitely not leave America, please write it below before it's too late!