I've only been in Mexico for 36 hours and I've already been thrown into a car full of people who don't speak English and taken to an undisclosed location in the middle of nowhere. I knew I was in for it when we made a U-turn on a desolate highway and a subsequent right down a dirt road that you wouldn't look twice at if you drove by it. When the gatekeeper, who went by the alias Juan, unlinked the chain for my captors to pass, I could only imagine what was awaiting us at the end of the road.
Finally, the dirt road ended. There were countless palm trees adorned with coconuts- undoubtedly part of some underground harvesting scheme. The secret factory nearby, which was disguised as a $25 million dollar home, was equipped with armed, out-of-shape security guards- another obvious decoy. They were either unsuspecting Ju-Jitsu masters, or the real guards were posted up in the hidden crevices of this unfamiliar base, just waiting to pounce like hungry black panthers creeping up on their prey.
When my captors made me get out of the car, they informed me they were going inside to "cook for the owners." I could only assume that they were key players in this Mexican Mafia operation. I could see a beach behind the row of palms, and noticed there was suspiciously nobody on it. That's when my worst fears were manifested- they demanded I walk toward it, and wait there until they were done "cooking." I hesitantly approached the sandy shore, waiting for the booby traps and sniper fire to rain down upon my white American ass.
The first set-up presented itself to me in the form of a couple all-too-innocent-looking beachside swings, located conveniently under the shade of a palapa, which is just a fancy Mexican word for "tiki hut." Despite begging for mercy, they made me sit on it and swing 'til I could swing no more, while my already-sealed fate awaited me. Only those poor souls doomed to an eternal wait in purgatory could understand the suffering I experienced.
Next, the unimaginable happened. They walked me onto the beach, knowing that my anglo-american skin would fry under the hot Mexican sun. They sprayed me with a mist that they tried to convince me was sunblock, but I knew the bitter truth- it was baby oil. Their cruel and torturous creativity knows no limits!
After an hour of baking in the sun, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, one of my captors came from inside the black market coconut warehouse disguised as a beachside mansion and handed me a "bottle of water" he called it. I began praying to whatever gods would hear me, to please allow me to survive the refreshingly cold (but poisoned) beverage so that I might just see one more sunset. The gods answered my prayers- but only to unveil the next wave of undeserved punishment.
After surviving the poison-water, they insisted I achieve even greater "refreshment." Yep- you guessed it- they pointed to the endless teal-colored waters, and made me get in. I knew well that it was infested with sharks, so I began to do my best Nurse Shark impression, swimming harmlessly along the ocean floor so that I would appear less appetizing to the larger, more dangerous sharks. I thanked my lucky stars that in my 4th grade science class I was lucky enough to draw "Nurse Sharks" as the sea creature I had to write my report on. I never expected to have to use the valuable knowledge I attained regarding shark vs. shark interaction.
You see, Nurse Sharks are the outcast of the shark family because they are so harmless and unshark-like in appearance, and it's bad shark karma to interact with a Nurse Shark, even when really hungry, because then the other sharks risk being labeled as a "Nurse Shark Sympathizer." For obvious reasons, this is really detrimental to the image that an angry, hungry, vicious shark needs to maintain in order to uphold Shark Code and be respected by his peers.
The kidnappers obviously weren't expecting me to make it this far through their gauntlet, and escorted me into the fake resort home to "have a look around," but I knew they were taking me to see what the mafia boss wanted to do with me. And so with an aura of defeat, I convinced my legs to walk one last time, to carry my physical body toward its earthly demise. When I get inside, I'll find a way to transmit a warning to other adventurers like myself, and caution them about the dangers of Mexico, I said to myself.
During the "tour" of the "house" I managed to disappear into a "bedroom" overlooking the coastal operation, where I soaked in all the information I could about the place. I made my way to the balcony (a.k.a. sniper outpost) and I did my best to recollect every moment of my experience, so that I could share it with my followers in hopes that my body will be found and shipped back to the U.S. (I made them promise to pack my ashes into as many fireworks as they could if I ever left this world before them).
And now I write you hastily from the dragon's lair, begging those of you planning a trip to Mexico to turn back while you can! I have to go!
UPDATE: THIS IS LOS KIDNAPPERS. WE POST UN FOTO OF YOUR FRIEND BELOW. WE MAKE HIM SMILE IN PICTURE BUT HE IS NO HAPPY WEY. WE MAKE HIM EAT HEALTHY FOOD AND DRINK UNHEALTHY BEER AND NOW HE IS VERY CONFUSE. THE ONLY WAY WE WILL STOP ESTE MADNESS IS IF YOU SHARE THIS WITH EVERYBODY YOU KNOW AND TELL THEM MÉXICO IS THE MOST BEAUTIFULIST COUNTRY! WE WILL BE WATCHING YOU WEY!